Over the past several months I’ve been asked “so what do you do all day”? That is such a loaded question but one I’ll try to answer here. As you can probably imagine, I spend a lot of time alone. My husband works four days a week and my kids are in school every day so that leaves 8-10 hours to do things like…think! I think a lot about how my life used to be, things I used to do, places I used to go and I often wonder when my life will change for the better (and I know it will).
As a person living with chronic illness, I tend to have too much time on my hands. I notice all the things wrong around the house, I notice how the neighbors linger with their pets in front of our house and I also have time for the all consuming pity party. As a woman of faith, I work really hard to remind myself of God’s promises to me, that he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. With all that time alone, the enemy (Satan) will get in my head and make me feel like my world is coming to an end, that I am all alone is this fight for my health. While I know this is a lie in my spirit, my flesh at times entertains these thoughts and I become depressed and anxious. I start thinking to myself how unfair it is that I am so sick. Sometimes I cry, other times I scream and throw things (mostly clothes) out of anger and grief of my former life before this setback in my illness. After some time has passed, the holy spirit reminds me what God’s word says and I snap out of it, but it’s not easy. I am human and I get weak some times. I try my best to keep my mind free from the lies of satan and focus on the truth that only comes from God.
During the week, I typically don’t get out of the house much, but my husband does try and get me out of the house from time to time. He hates seeing me sit around doing nothing so he takes me to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions or will take me out on a quick date when I’m up to it. The only thing I do for sure each week is go to church. I can’t tell you how important that is for me. The only way I will miss church is if I’m so sick I can’t gather up enough strength and will power to roll out of bed. It does happen from time to time, but not often. I try to save all my energy from the week and pour it all into Sunday. You see, that’s a family day for me and once Sunday is over I am done for the rest of the week as it takes everything out of me to do that one thing. Don’t get me wrong, I have some great friends who call and text me during the week to check on me and that means so much, but I am not at the point where I can go visit anyone or meet up anywhere for lunch or coffee. I have not been able to drive since January 2018 due to my illness. Cognition is so horrible that I forget where I’m going and have no sense of direction, I have a slow response so I would not be able to make quick decisions if needed, so that makes it hard to. So Sunday it is! I try to be as present as I can with my family. School functions, football games and other major events but sometimes I just have to listen to my body and say No. I used to push myself and just go go go, I can’t do that any longer. It’s not healthy for me and will only delay my recovery and nobody wants that. So I take things one day at a time and pray that God gives me what I need to make it through each day and He has never let me down. He’s got me!
Until next time,